There's no place like....????

News flash! News flash! Guatemala is NOT Chile. *SURPRISE!*

OK OK... Obviously I knew that Guatemala isn't Chile before I came here. I understand that Latin America is not one big country. In fact I've had to explain numerous times to other people that I in fact did NOT drink lots of tequila and eat burritos everyday while living in Chile. But after having a successful "living abroad" experience in Santiago, I naively assumed that living in Guatemala would be a snap.

I feel bad constantly complaining about this country so I want to say that everything I'm about to write is totally based on my personal and limited experience living in Guatemala City for four months. So take from this what you will and judge me as a wimpy gringa if you so wish.

Never ever ever in my entire life have I had so many stomach illness than I have had in the past four months. I have had four CRUCIAL (what up DC slang?) cases of food poisoning. And by crucial I mean curl up in the fetal position, feel like I'm going die, and getting to know the porcelain god waaay better than I ever wanted kind of super duper crucial food poisoning. Don't worry, I won't elaborate further. I think you got the point.

I never had these issues in Chile. I got mild food poisoning ONCE from a sandwich with bad mayo. My stomach was a little queasy while adjusting to the tap water, but nothing that painful. I ate street food constantly and never had an issue. Dear Chile, Despite your rather bland and not so interesting food, I love and absolutely miss all of it at this very moment.

I severely miss my independence. Due largely to the safety issues here, I cannot go anywhere alone. And since I don't know a ton of people here, I rely heavily on the man to escort me everywhere. So if the man is working, I am a prisoner of my house. I miss walking around outside!! (and feeling relaxed while doing so). I miss being able to do normal errands, shopping, taking the bus, etc etc ALONE! I want to be able to hail a taxi on the street and not worry if the driver will try to mug me (not try to rip me off - THAT I can handle. I'm talking about gun totting cabbies). I seriously dream about wandering the streets of Santiago by myself.

I feel as though people here walk out the door in the morning and think "I wonder if I'm going to get mugged today?" Whenever I talk to a Guatemalan they are talking about the shooting that happened down the block yesterday, how their friend/aunt/cousin was mugged recently, their past robbing experiences, and warning me not to go ANYWHERE without someone (preferably male and Guatemala ... muscles wouldn't hurt either).

Although nothing (knock on wood) has happened to me, I've heard so much about crime and violence in this country that I am legitimately terrified to walk ONE block by myself. When I started to work at the Academy I was happy to learn that there is a mall one block away. Malls are the safest place to walk around and I thought oh good! I can go window shop if I have a break in classes during the day. Nope. Wrong wrong wrong. One of my co-workers told me a story of being robbed at gunpoint as he walked to the mall to grab some lunch (male, guatemalan... not muscle-y, but not wimpy looking either. So how would a gringa do? I don't even want to know). Needless to say, I've never walked the one block from my work to the mall ... I was sufficiently scared by the story.

Maybe I am a wimp. Maybe I am taking all of these stories too seriously. Who knows? All I know is that I live everyday scared of doing anything and everything. This is not mentally healthy.

I know that going back to the US is an option. And it's one that I'm considering. But oddly enough I find myself day-dreaming about that skinny little country at the end of the world: Chile. I know it's nowhere near perfect... but I've realized that I feel safe there and that is a very big deal, believe you me.

I still have a lot of soul-searching to do before I decide where to plant myself for a good long while (i'm starting to feel the urge to settle down... am I getting old?). But this is just a small glimpse of where my head is at right now.

Round One: Transportation

**Since I've been working like a machine lately, I haven't had a lot of time to write posts. So I've decided to write some short posts about the differences between Guatemala City and Santiago. This is Round One of the Smackdown.**

ahh, public transportation... One of my favorite topics EVER. (that was actually NOT sarcasm, by the way). So let's see how Guate and Stgo measure up...

As you read in previous posts, Guatemala's public transportation system has some serious problems. There is no subway (big bummer) and the buses are interesting to say the least. The alternative to the buses are taxis. Taxis aren't exactly safe either though. Taxi drivers will rob you - whether it's just scamming you into paying more or by threat and force. Walking isn't much of an option either. Ask any Guatemalan and they will tell you that nowhere is safe. So what's your option? Stay at home, locked into your little safe haven and pretend the scary Guatemala doesn't exist? Yeah, you get hungry eventually.

And then there is Santiago with Transantiago. Subway - check. Although overcrowded at times and with it's fair share of pick pockets, the metro system is clean and consistent. The metro stops are even pretty, with artwork and such. Now, I have to admit that I didn't really take the bus all that often in Stgo. But the few times that I did, everything went smoothly (expecially in hindsight now that I've experienced lovely Guate buses). Taxis in Santiago will try to swindle you, especially if you're a foreigner - but I always felt like I could handle those situations. Oh and you can walk (imagine that!). I walked home alone numerous times late at night (gasp!) and all was well.

Ding! Ding! And the winner of the first round is..... SANTIAGO (duh).

Yeah, that's right, Stgo, I gave you an easy one for the first round... don't expect every win to be that easy....

Stay tuned for Round Two.

The Gring@ tax

All Latin American countries seem to have this wonderful thing called "the gring@ tax."* This is when you are charged above normal prices for things only because you are a gring@. Guatemala is no exception.

Generally I'm always accompanied by the man (yes, I miss my independence, but have an escort everywhere is a good thing here where armed robbery is frequent), but lately I have had to take a taxi home alone since the man gets out an hour later from work. We had been lucky in finding a cool cat taxi driver to drive me home. He is nice and friendly to me without being inappropriate. And most importantly, he charges me a reasonable price for the ride. Unfortunately his taxi had to go into the shop at the end of the week and he was unable to drive me home. The man called another taxi driver who he promised was good also (he had caught a ride with him before and the charge was fair**).

Here's where the gring@ tax comes in. The charge was fair for HIM, the Chapin, the Guatemalteco ... This does not mean I - the redheaded gringa - will have the same luck. When the taxi driver got to my house I handed him a 100Q bill. The driver's response was " oh I'm sooo sorry. Pardon me! But I don't have ANY change! I left it all at home!" This was accompanied by a large grin. Obviously the man had made sure I would be charged a low fare, but since my Chapin escort was not with me the rules had changed. Of course the taxi driver assumed he could rip me off with his sad story of having no change at all. PUH-LEASE. He had change, the little liar. My response to his little show, "OK wait" - Kelly digs through her purse and comes up with exactly 35Q - "Here ya go!" The taxi driver's face just fell as he said, "Oh thanks. I'm sorry for the bother."

HA, sucker! Thought I would give you 65Q more than I was supposed to?!!? Guess again, dummy!

Needless to say, I will never call this driver again. And I informed the man that he is a very bad judge of character.

*gring@ is being used as gender neutral. So it means gringo or gringa. got it?

**In case you're wondering... No, there are no meters in the taxis here. It's purely based on what the driver wants to charge you. So when taking a taxi in Guate, ask for the fare BEFORE you get into the car!

The bright-side of buses in Chapinlandia

One of my favorite things to talk about is public transportation...I haven't had a car in almost 2 years, so public transportation is a part of my everyday life. Washington DC has a great public transportation system (complain all you want, DCians, you've got it good). Although I do wish the metro was a little less drab and depressing. Santiago also has a great public transportation system (despite what Santiago residents might tell you). It's cheap, pretty consistent, and has pretty artwork at the metro stops (yay! DC, please take notes)

And then there is Guatemala. The public transportation system here is awful.

First, there is no subway. OK, fine. Plenty of cities have no subway. So we have to rely on buses. ahh, the buses of Guatemala city... how to describe them? They are like traditional US yellow school buses - redecorated by the bus owner in order to add some... character? maybe? The buses on my line are generally painted red, but I've also seen some blues and greens out there. Many buses have religious inspired paintings on them (Jesus watching over the bus or some saying like "God is love"). The buses usually have names like Princesita or Josefina painted on the front of them (apparently all the buses are women and ita (tiny)). The insides of the buses are decorated with flags (Guatemalan and oddly enough, US flags), stickers, and old stuffed animals. And the best ones are.... the buses. that BLAST. REGGAETON. Oh yes, buses are like rolling dance clubs (even more similar with the help of overcrowding and foul body odor). I don't know about you, but there is NOTHING I want to hear more at 6am on my way to work than dame mas gasoliiiiinaaaa.

Then there is the crowdedness (and this is why they are so fondly referred to as "chicken buses"). Much like the old yellow micros in Santiago used to work, bus drivers in Guatemala earn money based on the number of passengers. So naturally they try to cram on as many people as possible. Gringos, throw your personal-space-bubbles out the window please. Once all the sits are filled, people begin to to find a spot to stand in the aisle. Always stand as close to the seats as possible because if you're standing in the middle of the aisle, the bus driver will yell at you to keep walking back (always with a polite por favor and "Sorry to bother you). Once the aisle is full, people begin to fill the steps at the front and back doors. And I mean fill. As long as you can hold onto the bars along the outside of the door - it doesn't matter if your body is completely outside of the bus. Just don't expect the driver to drive less recklessly for your benefit.

In order to get from the zona where I work back to our pueblo the bus must travel up up up a "mountain" (or so-called by Guatemalans. To me, it's a small hill - somewhere between the size of Cerro San Cristobal and Cerro Santa Lucia is Santiago) and then down down down the other side. On one side of the hill, they - wisely - made "elbows" in the road so that it winds back and forth up the hill (although the buses have a difficult time making those sharp turns, and often slow traffic for the cars in order to do so). On the other side though, the road is a straight shot. This caused an issue one morning when going to work... the bus, jam packed with people and engine weezing like asmatic, was chugging up straight up the hill... it almost almost made it to the top. But, alas, the little engine could NOT. So we had to roll all the way back down to the bottom to try again. (All was well though, the poor exhausted bus made it up on the second try).

Coming soon: The Dark-side of buses in Chapinlandia ... stay tuned!