TKP Month 2: Two weeks

I didn't forget about the month two of TKP. I just had a delicate situation that I had to get out of the way in order to progress and I didn't want to blog about it.

But now I can.

I put in my two weeks. Those two weeks passed. I'm now blissfully unemployed.

My job was a good-energy sucking, motivation smashing, soul killing pile of negativity. Obviously, I had to get out.

Now to clarify: I don't hate the restaurant business. I still love it as much as always. I also love bartending. The problem comes when the specific place you're working is slowly killing your love for what you do.

My goals for this month don't include finding my "dream job" because that is unrealistic (and I honestly don't even know what my dream job would be). But I do want to find a job with good energy, where I'm excited to come to work, and where I feel like I'm inspired and learning.

I wish I could post a reverse job ad: Got buena onda? Believe that positivity and encouragement create the best working environment? You could be my future boss!

Maybe I'm incredibly naive. I hope not.

My Vicious Cycle or How I've Frozen Myself into Inaction

I've been researching a lot lately. I'm discovering a large range of things I want to try out - new hobbies, old hobbies, career options. And I'm excited about them all.

However, I can't start any of them.

Why? Because my apartment is messy. My messy apartment is a mental roadblock to everything else I want to do. It's also my excuse for NOT starting some of these things (because sometimes new things are a little nerve-wracking. And so my fear has created this thing to prevent me from doing something new). But I don't like cleaning, so I put it off by doing more research about things I want to do once I've cleaned my apartment. Oh. My. God. I'm psycho.

I've trapped myself in a self-made vicious cycle. I have frozen myself into inaction.

Wasn't one of my resolutions for this month to clean-up and maintain? Oh yes it was. But I hadn't done much of that until my fit of anger last night. Apparently angry energy makes me a cleaning machine (this is not a good sign, methinks!).

Within 45 minutes my apartment looked MUCH better. So hopefully I can use this cleaning-fit as an example of how easy it is to just DO IT.

Why am I SO Angry?

I'm angry.

Again.

But I don't know why.

It's my day off and I SHOULD be relaxing. Well I guess I did relax earlier. I woke up late (well that's normal... haha - oh yeah oops, what about my sleep patterns improving again.....), I drank coffee and read, I went shopping for kitchen toys (my new favorite things to buy), and then went grocery shopping (which is, oddly enough, my favorite type of shopping).

And then I got angry when I came home. I felt like I had wasted my day. I never see my friends anymore. All I do is work, come home, hang out with Z, and grocery shop. God, it sounds like I'm having a midlife crisis and I'm not even 30 yet!!!

Even though I have quite the social job - being a bartendress means constantly conversing with guests and whatnot - I still feel disconnected with people. I love (most) of my guests though. They are hilarious and talk about interesting things (or they talk about boring things which ends up being hilarious because it's SO awkward). But talking to my customers at my bar while I'm working does NOT equal a social life.

I'm bad at making time for people, I admit it. I usually blame my weird restaurant-job schedule but that is just a wimpy excuse. I could definitely do better about making plans with people.

And then I wouldn't be so ANGRY! And I would have other things to talk to Z about. Since usually I just bitch about work ---which usually just leads to an unnecessary argument about nothing.

I should figure out what activities prevent me from angry episodes like this one.... hmm.... ideas?

The Kelly Project

A while back, I got around to reading Eat, Pray, Love (By Elizabeth Gilbert) and I really enjoyed it. (No I'm not planning on running off to Italy, India, or Indonesia). I decided I wanted to find more books about peoples' personal soul-searching journeys for my own personal inspiration.

The next book I picked up was The Happiness Project (By Gretchen Rubin). This story of one woman's quest to be happier over the course of year did not involve traveling around the world. Instead it focused on finding the happiest version of oneself in everyday life.

I appreciate both books and methods of self-discovery - and I would not say that one is better than the other. Both have inspired me equally.

Unfortunately, I'm not in the position to run off and travel around the world (yet.... ). So I've decided to give Gretchen Rubin's "Happiness Project" a try. (She is quite encouraging when it comes to others starting their own versions of the project. And I love the fact that she acknowledges that everyone's Happiness Project is different.) I'm calling this "The Kelly Project" though (how deliciously self-centered!). I plan on using aspects of Rubin's project, as well as take inspiration from Gilbert's journey and find more stories to help motivate me in my attempt to be... well, Kelly.

I love Rubin's 12 Commandments. So I will start with my Commandments (some I have borrowed from Rubin or others, some are my own):

Do it now.
Greet anger with understanding and serenity.
Get out of my cave and cast a net into the ocean.
Act the way I want to feel.
Make mistakes.
Help is everywhere.
Minimize clutter.
Soak it in.
Be silly, be light.
Be Kelly.



Rubin also has a list called "Secrets of Adulthood." I have yet to really think about this in terms of my life. BUT I do have a very important personal statement that I have kept in my mind for a long time.

First, the back story. My final year of undergrad, I had the fortune to take a Graduate level class. My mentor in the Department of Anthropology happened to be the Director of Graduate Studies as well and she felt that I would benefit from one of her Grad classes (the topic of the class was Immigration... Of course). I loved the class and the discussions with these "older" people. But sometimes I felt very small around these Grad students with their more "adult lives" and their "real jobs." One day during a class discussion I made a statement - just one simple sentence - and I knew that I had never felt more sure of anything I had ever said before. This sentence hung in the air for a moment and I could see it sinking into the minds of my classmates and my mentor. "I think you've really hit on something important there, Kelly" my professor said. And it was extremely important. After class, I wrote the sentence down on a scrap of paper and hung it on a bulletin board in my room. I kept that scrap for a long time and read the sentence over and over.

The scrap of paper is long gone (lost in my multiple moves around the world), but that one single sentence remains clear in my mind:

It's not about how much you know, it's about your willingness to learn.

So simple. So true. And yet it's something I struggle with everyday. Why is it that as adults, we all want to pretend to be experts about everything? Like if we admit that we don't know something that it makes us LESS of an adult? This is truly idiotic. And yet, I fall into that trap constantly.

Well, no more. This is my year of learning. Of admitting there is SO much I don't know. Of asking people to explain new things. Of just living MORE.

And with that. Cheers!

(Oh yeah, and it's my Birthday today. Perfect time to start this project).