My Vicious Cycle or How I've Frozen Myself into Inaction

I've been researching a lot lately. I'm discovering a large range of things I want to try out - new hobbies, old hobbies, career options. And I'm excited about them all.

However, I can't start any of them.

Why? Because my apartment is messy. My messy apartment is a mental roadblock to everything else I want to do. It's also my excuse for NOT starting some of these things (because sometimes new things are a little nerve-wracking. And so my fear has created this thing to prevent me from doing something new). But I don't like cleaning, so I put it off by doing more research about things I want to do once I've cleaned my apartment. Oh. My. God. I'm psycho.

I've trapped myself in a self-made vicious cycle. I have frozen myself into inaction.

Wasn't one of my resolutions for this month to clean-up and maintain? Oh yes it was. But I hadn't done much of that until my fit of anger last night. Apparently angry energy makes me a cleaning machine (this is not a good sign, methinks!).

Within 45 minutes my apartment looked MUCH better. So hopefully I can use this cleaning-fit as an example of how easy it is to just DO IT.

Why am I SO Angry?

I'm angry.

Again.

But I don't know why.

It's my day off and I SHOULD be relaxing. Well I guess I did relax earlier. I woke up late (well that's normal... haha - oh yeah oops, what about my sleep patterns improving again.....), I drank coffee and read, I went shopping for kitchen toys (my new favorite things to buy), and then went grocery shopping (which is, oddly enough, my favorite type of shopping).

And then I got angry when I came home. I felt like I had wasted my day. I never see my friends anymore. All I do is work, come home, hang out with Z, and grocery shop. God, it sounds like I'm having a midlife crisis and I'm not even 30 yet!!!

Even though I have quite the social job - being a bartendress means constantly conversing with guests and whatnot - I still feel disconnected with people. I love (most) of my guests though. They are hilarious and talk about interesting things (or they talk about boring things which ends up being hilarious because it's SO awkward). But talking to my customers at my bar while I'm working does NOT equal a social life.

I'm bad at making time for people, I admit it. I usually blame my weird restaurant-job schedule but that is just a wimpy excuse. I could definitely do better about making plans with people.

And then I wouldn't be so ANGRY! And I would have other things to talk to Z about. Since usually I just bitch about work ---which usually just leads to an unnecessary argument about nothing.

I should figure out what activities prevent me from angry episodes like this one.... hmm.... ideas?

Rocky Start

So I made two goals for myself recently. The first was to change my sleeping habits so I can wake up easier. The second was to control my anger in various ways.

As they say: Easier said (or Blogged) than done.

Major setback #1: During a stressful bartending shift on Friday, I took out some of my frustration by snapping at some of my co-workers. This was obviously not well received. I had TWO anger-charged confrontations with those co-workers. Afterward, even though I felt partially justified for my outbursts, I also felt BAD. I had disrupted my working environment in a negative way instead of trying to encourage people positively.

Major setback #2: As a result of my awful Friday shift, I self-medicated with Jagermeister. This of course made me stay up later than I should've and sleep later in an attempt to avoid a hangover.

Major setback #3: I randomly got into a huge fight with an important person in my life. I let my anger get to me and I fed the fire. I definitely did not greet anger with serenity and understanding. In fact, I made myself so angry that I had to leave the place and conversation all together. This almost ruined the rest of my day completely with bad energy. Fortunately, I was later given an unexpected opportunity to repair the damage. All is well.

Major setback #4: I have neglected creating a good nighttime ritual to get ready for bed. And so, I fell asleep with my contacts in last night and woke with crusty eyes early this morning. I immediately removed my contacts. Seeing that one eye was extremely irritated and red, I decided sleeping more was the best way to solve this. But waking up late today didn't solve anything. It just made me feel lazy. And my eye is still bloodshot which means I will have to wear my glasses today. Bummer.

Now that I have a clearer understanding of the hurdles I must overcome, maybe I can make real headway on my resolutions. Yes?

Angry Redhead Syndrome

My "Wake Up, Kelly" Project hit a few bumps this weekend due to work ... and the necessary liquid therapy after work (should probably address this "cocktails to reduce stress" issue I seem to have... hm..). But I got it back on track this morning. Last night I went to sleep at 12:30 and woke today at 9:00 am....

I know. That isn't most peoples' definitions of going to sleep early or waking up early. However, I'm still a bartender and I work all PM shifts. I normally don't leave work until after 12:30. And when you're up until 2 am, waking up earlier than 9 is not easy.

So with my sleep habits changing, I've decided to add a new personal goal for myself.

First let me say. I'm a redhead. And I (obviously) have a temper. I definitely fit this stereotype completely. I have a short-fuse. And it can be a problem.

Part of this I have adopted willingly as "just a part of my personality." I can sometimes tone down my angry snaps into witty sarcasm --- which most people seem to appreciate... once they get used to it.

I also tend to come across much like an ice cube or maybe a porcupine when people first meet me. I can't even count how many times I have heard "You know, when we first met I didn't really like you. But now that I know you better, you're really awesome!" I see this as a good thing. I mean, come on. It's better than the opposite! "We clicked right away when I met you! But now I can't stand the person that I have gotten to know..."

I've also been told that I have an "angry resting face." This means that the way my face naturally is when I'm feeling neutral is.... um.... ANGRY! I have people constantly ask, "Kelly! What's wrong/" To which I reply, "Nothing. Why?" They follow up with "oh! You just look angry or upset!"

I also have "the look" (as my friends refer to it). "The look" is a death stare of icy pissed-offness. I have perfected this glare over the years and I can put it on without even being angry (just for fun.... no joke I actually get, "Hey Kelly, do the look!") And I'm almost proud of this look that scares the shit out of most people.

Despite my good humor about being an angry redhead ... I don't like playing this role at all. I will admit, having an angry outburst gives a rush of energy ... it's almost exhilirating! But it is always followed by a crash. An overwhelming feeling of guilt. Because I honestly don't like making people feel bad.

I don't know if I can really change peoples' intitial impressions of me. I'm not a friendly, out-going, meet-new-people type in general. On the other hand though... I am a bartender. So everyday I talk to complete strangers and I'm generally friendly and warm and engaged in whatever insane topic they wish to talk about. Of course, that is a bit like acting and I don't want to "fake it" in real life. But the fact of the matter is that I am capable of being warm right off the bat. (Of course if you try talking to me for 30 minutes straight about your love of organ music, I will bring out the bluntness and tell you I don't care).


When I'm in a good mood and smiling, it scares people who know me well. Since my "normal face" isn't a happy one. I think if I made an effort to act happier then I can change my "normal face" --- at least a little. And with acting happier, I would be happier and LESS ANGRY! Bingo!

As for "the look." As entertaining as it can be (and fun to try out on my future children - mwahaha), I need to learn how to control it. So in the moments that I am actually angry, it doesn't just show itself without my even knowing it.

So my goal is this: Greet anger with serenity and understanding. Whether the anger is from myself or from someone else. I will not feed the fire until it grows into blind rage.

Any anger control advice would be appreciated!